When does miscarriage go away?

It seems miscarriage affects so many people. I wanted to write a little bit about our journey and attach it to my original note.  Please feel free to share it with others or to share your story with me.

Our Peace Lynn, due August 18th 2011 would be nearly a year old. I have accepted her life is to be lived with Jesus and not with me but helping my children get through this process has been an interesting journey for me. My children have had many statements and questions...

"Why did our baby have to die?"  

-Infact Chrysanna answerd that one herself using her old testiment knowledge. She unknowingly made the subject of miscarriage deeper than just the loss of a baby.. One night she called me into the bathroom where she was taking a bath and she said "I know why Peace Lynn had to die. It was because of something that we had done wrong. Some kind of sin."  Logically King David lost his baby because he took the life of a man to cover up His own sin. In one sense she wasn't wrong. God hadn't created us for death but for life and our sin has resulted in the imperffections of this world. However I assured her that "Surely God would have made it known to us if this were the reason." Right? Really did it take my 5 year old to make life so deep, or had she just verbalized some of my own wonderings?

-There were many times Chrysanna felt sad about the time she didn't get with her baby sister. "Don't forget Peace Lynn!" I have told her that Peace Lynn is with Jesus and she does not feel left out when we don't mention her every time as part of our family. However I understand her pain everytime someone asks how many children I haveI want to answer 5 but I most often don't because I don't want to explain our pain again but I don't want to leave people out of the reality of our life either. Everything we have been through has effeccted our thought process and how we understand God's graces. I just wait for the right time now. Sometimes, the times you wish your children wouldn't mention it like in quick conversations at the store with complete strangers... you know "What sweet children you have, is this all of your chilfren?" Before I can repond one of my children will say "No we have a sister in heaven." I don't mind strangers knowing but what do they do with that information.... They look uncomfortable most of the time. I try to let my children have the freedom to say those things cause I think it helps them but poor strangers.

-We were pregnant relitively quickly after our misscarriage and that brought up a whole different set of thoughts for them. "Mom is the baby in your belly still alive?" Dominic would ask regularly. 

-With tears ..."Mom I don't want this baby to go to heaven!" I would think really!! Should my children have to say that. What craizy times we have been through. I pray the Lord uses this to form a world view that brings Glory to Him.

-Then we discovered our baby was a boy, A Conrad to be exact. "Mom would we be able to have Conrad if we had Peace Lynn?" It breaks my heart to see them feel like they have to choose in their hearts which sibling they would have wanted more of course we all agree we would never want to give up Conrad but does that somehow mean we are ok with loosing Peace Lynn? Ohh the loss, ohh the questions. I can honestly say yes to that question with the understanding that there is no better way to loose a child than to loose them to Jesus. 

-"Mom I don't want you to have a c-section." With all of the loss we have had Chrysanna seemed worried that she would loose more than another sibling she had never met. And I prayed over her... Peace of God teach my baby to trust in you and not worry.

We have been through all of these questions and more, and I think God gave them to my children so that I could audibly respond to each one providing healing for both my children and myself.  I didn't always have the right answers and sometimes its not about the answers. Sometimes it was about the peace of knowing God is with us and He takes care of us because He is able and He is GOD. 

When does miscarriage go away? I am sure its different for every person in their situation. For some it may never go away but for me.....The more I respond to my chilrens questions the more I feel that misscarriage is slipping away...... I don't mean that in a bad way. My baby girl Peace Lynn will never leave my memories. She will always be in my count for how many children that I have but the horrible, ugly act of misscarriage that took her away from me is becoming less devistaing and less about how sad it was and more about what God is showing me through it. Its becoming a beautiful opportunity to know God in a new way for me and my children.  (I am not intentionally leaving Ricky out. If you are a man dealing with miscarriage I am know he would be more than willing to talk with you about it.)

Good News Turned Bad
by Carrie Conrad Harter on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 10:33pm ·

How to start.... What a month this has been with our oldest son still not coming home since Aug., loosing my mom then discovering the morning of her funeral that we were pregnant, to yesterday when we miscarried our wonderful baby at just 6 weeks.

Still don't know how to write all of this.

In November Ricky and I prepared to begin the journey of adding another precious child to our family and being as efficient as we are, just a month later we discovered that we were pregnant. We are no good at keeping these types of things secret but Ricky wanted to wait until Christmas to let our little ones know. This pregnancy felt different and neither Ricky or I felt at peace about the situation. I tried to take it easy and take breaks from normal tasks but I started having visible troubles almost a week before Christmas. As it got closer to Christmas I struggled with whether or not to share our new baby with the "little ones". I wondered if we shouldn't wait until after drs apts and comfort that our baby was doing alright. Lots of wondering but then I was reminded that God doesn't let us be tempted beyond what we  can bare. In every trial He will provide a way for us to trust in Him and do whats right. I believe that He will do the same for my "little ones" This moment in life will either turn out to bring a special baby into our home or it will be a more difficult trial that will bring us closer to each other and closer to our Lord if we choose it.

For Christmas the children unwrapped the bow around my belly and we told them about the new baby. Chrysanna double checked to be sure I was serious. "Really momma! There is really a baby in your belly?" We have been talking about a baby for so long that she couldn't believe it was finally true. Later she said "Since we have a baby on the way we need to start buying baby things." Then I overheard  her talking with her Uncle David and she was talking about how she was going to be a great! big sister :) My heart broke and felt joy all at once. I still wondered if my children could handle another heart break but hoped they wouldn't have to.

Monday morning I went for blood tests and Monday afternoon I miscarried. Probably the worst experience of my life and unmistakably a miscarriage. Ricky and I cried and prayed together.We decided on a non-gender specific name Peace Lynn. Then at dinner Monday night we told them our baby was now being held by Grandma.

They are handling it well. Dominic's only concern for his Grandma as been who is with her in heaven. He is so glad that Peace Lynn is with Grandma. "and Jesus and God is in Heaven with Grandma!!" as he would say over and over again. :)

Chrysanna even had a dream last night that our whole family was in Heaven, there were lots!!! of angels and she got to see Grandma and Peace Lynn. She says that Peace Lynn is a girl (I suspected that already). I wish I could dream like her and feel like I really held my baby and hugged my mom. She said she even saw Blayze.

I don't want to speak on behalf of Ricky so you are welcome to ask him how he is doing. He is however being a wonderful husband, encouraging and supportive to how I am doing. I am so thankful for him.

I think that God has been preparing me for this for a while. Over the couple of years I feel like God and I have had many conversations about babies, why they come, why certain people get them and certain people don't, and why they go, when and how they do. I have heard about other miscarriages and other babies with disorders that keep them from growing up with their families. All of their experiences have played into my understanding that God gives babies and He allows them to leave. We may never fully know why but I remember being very conscious of that truth when Ricky and I made this choice to add to our family. I have no doubt that our baby is happy and well.

Peace Lynn we love you and we wish we could have held you in our arms but for now if you could give Grandma a hug for us and as she hugs you back it will be like a hug from us to you.