Fun Breakfast

Today Chrysanna got to make her own toast for breakfast. I only reminded her of some important things and then let her do it on her own. She was making some for Dominic too. Dominic decided that he wanted to adjust the temperature. Chrysanna's sandwich came out quite impressive. It was one her dad and uncles would be proud of.

When I sat down to breakfast I could smell burnt toast. I had been lightly briefed on the situation from Chrysanna but its always fun to see what Dominics perspective on life is. I asked him if he burned his toast. He said "Yes, and smoke was coming out of the toaster." I was curious what he did about it so I asked "Oh man so what happened?" And with a very serious squished up face he said, "I smacked it, but it didn't help." His response was too funny. But he is still very serious about his burnt toast situation.

Interesting Observation. February 15th 2011

I have been praying that God would change my heart when it comes to the never ending tasks that seem to bog down every mom. I want to have an organized home but I just can't do it by myself. I am the queen of organizing but not of keeping it up. I also seem to struggle with energy level regularly. Not to mention the recent difficult circumstances add to my excuses (tho valid) of not getting anything done. 

I don't want my little girl growing up feeling the same way about house work that I tend to. It seem to get in the way and as much as I like it I have never been able to enjoy it except in spurts and usually its because I am angry or have a loss of control in my life so I become a cleaning machine for a spurt of 24 to 72 hours. Never much longer than that before my motivation and energy are lost. 

Like I said I have been asking God to help me with my work and especially to change my heart concerning my endless work. I have been far more motivated and had more energy lately to clean but even more important than that my attitude has been different. I have a long ways to go and I am not saying that its been a really long time of attitude change, but I am just saying this....... All of this has come to my attention today when my daughter said to me " I seem to be liking to clean more mommy." 

Made my day and I am thankful for God doing in me and my daughter what I can not do in myself. Thank you Jesus for changing my heart about my work. 

January 5th The Birthday Boy!! written January 6th 2011

Happy Birthday My Blayze!!! 11 is a big number. 

This is a reminder of who my Blayze is. I have changed it a little from my previous post to tribute him more for his birthday. 

Ricky and I were remembering the other day how whenever we would get on the dirt road to their house, Blayze, then 4 years old, would climb in the back of the pickup. Then he would ride down to the house. It wasn't but a year ago that he learned to drive the pickup. Time sure flies!

My Blayze is assertive! At 4 he waved down a waitress and told her to bring him a fork. At 5 a family friend took him to Sonic and when he felt that Sonic was taking too long, he opened the car door and went on into Sonic to tell them about it.

My Blayze likes movies, hikes, swings at the park. He gets delirious when he’s tired and very very silly. My Blayze loves movie theater popcorn and I would venture to say that is his favorite food these days. Blayze will laugh when he needs to even if its forced. He likes audio books, and he is an excellent reader too. I still have the first fortune cookie paper he ever read. I remember when he read the Sonic cup the first time too. So impressive!

My Blayze likes to sit close, and give hugs. He is gentle and loving. After his baby sister Chrysanna was born he carried her through the house and introduced her to each room. Then he laid her next to himself on the couch in his room and they took a nap together.  

My Blayze is caring even at the age of 4 his little heart was burdened by the situations of his daycare friends. He wondered why bad things had to happen to them. When Blayze recognizes the sin in his life and the pain it has caused whom he may have offended he is broken and will often cry in repentance.

My Blayze secretly likes orange. Whenever I have expected to get him a blue or black something he picks orange. He loves color, every color, all the colors at once.  Drawing is a passion for him. He is artistic and imaginative. My Blayze.

My Blayze likes movies, hikes, swings at the park. He gets delirious when he’s tired and very very silly. My Blayze loves movie theater popcorn and I would venture to say that is his favorite food these days. Blayze will laugh when he needs to even if its forced. Blayze has a way of entertaining the people around himself and his sarcasm will keep them laughing all day long. He is funny.

My Blayze loves anything that could be called family time. We have always gotten compliments on how well we work together. People never even know that we are not Mom and son. My Blayze doesn’t always like the rules but he is respectful. He has a way of remembering discipline months later. Just ask him if he is allowed to shop for us by putting things in the cart on his own :).

My Blayze is sensitive and often his feelings could even be hurt in wrestling match if he got physically hurt. He wants to be loved by everyone and he wants them to be pleased with himself. Blayze has given his snacks and his money to people who are in need. He is handsome and strong. He is hard working and adventursome. Hense the time he was walking on the little pond and found a frog under the ice. To get to the frog he stabbed a hole in the ice. Needless to say Blayze went right through the ice. He was off in the woods and all I could hear was crying. Woohoo! whoohooo! I was saying over and over till I finally found him. I shed the my coat and made him put it on. After we talked and he decided that he knew he shouldn't be on ice and that he wouldn't do it again his mood changed..... he thought that was the coolest experience he had ever had in his whole life!!! Thats my Blayze turning rough spots into adventures. 

My Blayze reminded his dad to pray when another tire was flat. He doesn't like change until after he's in it. He still misses the old way tho. He doesn't like the suspense of surprises or new things that he doesn't understand. But he sucks it up and tuffs it out and in the end its never as bad as he thought it would be. :)  My Blayze wrestled with his cousin Noah and no one ever got hurt but every one had fun. Blayze is intelligent. He has great balance!!! At four he was riding a scooter. Blayze is a thinker over and over again in his brain. Blayze has a desire to protect, and defend. He wants to teach others about Jesus. Blayze comprehends! Blayze Blayze Blayze!!! What a smile, what child, what a blessing he is.

There is more but it won't all fit here. This is my Blayze! This is who you are Blayze. This is only the beginning of what you will become. God is going to use you to change this world for His Glory! 

Good News Turned Bad. December 28th 2010

How to start.... What a month this has been with our oldest son still not coming home since Aug., loosing my mom then discovering the morning of her funeral that we were pregnant, to yesterday when we miscarried our wonderful baby at just 6 weeks. 

Still don't know how to write all of this. 

In November Ricky and I prepared to begin the journey of adding another precious child to our family and being as efficient as we are, just a month later we discovered that we were pregnant. We are no good at keeping these types of things secret but Ricky wanted to wait until Christmas to let our little ones know. This pregnancy felt different and neither Ricky or I felt at peace about the situation. I tried to take it easy and take breaks from normal tasks but I started having visible troubles almost a week before Christmas. As it got closer to Christmas I struggled with whether or not to share our new baby with the "little ones". I wondered if we shouldn't wait until after drs apts and comfort that our baby was doing alright. Lots of wondering but then I was reminded that God doesn't let us be tempted beyond what we  can bare. In every trial He will provide a way for us to trust in Him and do whats right. I believe that He will do the same for my "little ones" This moment in life will either turn out to bring a special baby into our home or it will be a more difficult trial that will bring us closer to each other and closer to our Lord if we choose it. 

For Christmas the children unwrapped the bow around my belly and we told them about the new baby. Chrysanna double checked to be sure I was serious. "Really momma! There is really a baby in your belly?" We have been talking about a baby for so long that she couldn't believe it was finally true. Later she said "Since we have a baby on the way we need to start buying baby things." Then I overheard  her talking with her Uncle David and she was talking about how she was going to be a great! big sister :) My heart broke and felt joy all at once. I still wondered if my children could handle another heart break but hoped they wouldn't have to.

Monday morning I went for blood tests and Monday afternoon I miscarried. Probably the worst experience of my life and unmistakably a miscarriage. Ricky and I cried and prayed together.We decided on a non-gender specific name Peace Lynn. Then at dinner Monday night we told them our baby was now being held by Grandma.

They are handling it well. Dominic's only concern for his Grandma as been who is with her in heaven. He is so glad that Peace Lynn is with Grandma. "and Jesus and God is in Heaven with Grandma!!" as he would say over and over again. :)

Chrysanna even had a dream last night that our whole family was in Heaven, there were lots!!! of angels and she got to see Grandma and Peace Lynn. She says that Peace Lynn is a girl (I suspected that already). I wish I could dream like her and feel like I really held my baby and hugged my mom. She said she even saw Blayze. 

I don't want to speak on behalf of Ricky so you are welcome to ask him how he is doing. He is however being a wonderful husband, encouraging and supportive to how I am doing. I am so thankful for him.

I think that God has been preparing me for this for a while. Over the couple of years I feel like God and I have had many conversations about babies, why they come, why certain people get them and certain people don't, and why they go, when and how they do. I have heard about other miscarriages and other babies with disorders that keep them from growing up with their families. All of their experiences have played into my understanding that God gives babies and He allows them to leave. We may never fully know why but I remember being very conscious of that truth when Ricky and I made this choice to add to our family. I have no doubt that our baby is happy and well. 

Peace Lynn we love you and we wish we could have held you in our arms but for now if you could give Grandma a hug for us and as she hugs you back it will be like a hug from us to you. 

The Calling of a Momma. September 13th 2010

There was a song at church actually a couple of them that brought this to mind.

How many of our expectations as moms are dependent upon our performance and ability to achieve? We take responsibility for the Whole person of our children, their safety, diet, cleanliness, attitude, manners, success and perhaps even their salvation. I know that one of my greatest fears is to raise children that end up in server moral failures and that they would choose not to love God. I wonder how my parents did it. My siblings and I all turned out deeply in Love with Jesus. I somehow think that this is my responsibility to keep them knowing God, loving God.

With all of the pressure I place on myself to be a good mom, loving my children and make sure my attitude is like Christ and my discipline is effective, I often feel like I didn't quite measure up on certain days. Well a lot of days. I fail at my own standards. I second guess my decisions. I yell at my children, I feel angry, my own self control is well, you know don't you mamma's. I know I am not a lone and some days are hard right? Children just don't always get it and they don't always agree with the choices that we make for them. Some days I don't feel at all qualified to a mom. This is where the song comes in.....

If you can use anything Lord, you can use me. (I posted this song to my facebook if you don't know it)

God used an old couple, a barren woman on the least desirable land, to bring about a nation of Gods people. He used a washed up, run away, Hebrew raised Egyptian, to free His people. He used a people who turned from Him over and over again to bring about His Son. God used an over zealous, sinking Peter to spread His message across the world. And so many more people that were simply not qualified. They were tent makers, fishermen, tax collectors and yet God used them to do His great work.

Counselors, teachers, paramedics, nurses, business women, what is it that you are successful in, or trained in, and you feel "fit" for. All of you moms are fit by God to be a Mom. Even on your worst days God can use you to impact the lives of your children. Be lead by God and He is faithful to lead your children. Trust in Him He will change you. Don't get so upset at yourself or put so much pressure on yourself He will qualify you to be the mom that your children need. 

For me this was a freeing idea that God can use me, with all of my imperfections. He is bigger than my failures and perceived failures. He loves me even when I struggle to love my children and He fills in where I can't. Yes moral failure and loss of faith may come to my children but God is still in control and He still love them and calls them to Himself. For now I rest in the Grace of God as I surrender my life to His transformation in me. 

My Children. Please God Speak to them and use them. Keep them safe from my imperfections that may drive them from Your love. Please Use Me Lord.

My Blayze

This was actually written September 10th 2010. After Blayze decided for unknown reasons after a complicated situation to not come home. We miss him very much.

So I can’t sleep.... big surprise but this is later than normal, 1:15 am. I keep thinking of Blayze and all the craziness we are going through. The choices the backstabbing, deflecting of the issues all lead me to feel that Blayze has abandoned his family. In all of this we have talked about how different Blayze is between his moms home and our home and I have wondered if we haven’t created a monster with that thinking. I feel like Blayze is the same boy in both homes he just has different influences and he has 2 different types of discipline. Each home seems to accentuate a different part of Blayze. That happens to me, different situations cause different reactions for me. However I am up writing because I can’t help but remember who my Blayze is. The boy that is, no matter where he is. I have been trying to teach him (before he disappeared for over 5 weeks) that it is our job as parents to speak into his life and tell him who he is. At 10 years old he doesn’t have to go searching. I have been so flooded by emotion lately  that I haven’t even been able to focus on who Blayze is.

My Blayze is assertive! At 4 he waved down a waitress and told her to bring him a fork. At 5 a family friend took him to Sonic and when he felt that Sonic was taking too long, he opened the car door and went on into Sonic to tell them about it.

My Blayze likes movies, hikes, swings at the park. He gets delirious when he’s tired and very very silly. My Blayze loves movie theater popcorn and I would venture to say that is his favorite food these days. Blayze will laugh when he needs to even if its forced. He likes audio books, and he is an excellent reader too. I still have the first fortune cookie paper he ever read. I remember when he read the Sonic cup the first time too. So impressive!

My Blayze likes to sit close, and give hugs. He is gentle and loving. After his baby sister Chrysanna was born he carried her through the house and introduced her to each room. Then he laid her next to himself on the couch in his room and they took a nap together.  

My Blayze is caring even at the age of 4 his little heart was burdened by the situations of his daycare friends. He wondered why bad things had to happen to them. When Blayze recognizes the sin in his life and the pain it has caused whom he may have offended he is broken and will often cry in repentance.

My Blayze secretly likes orange. Whenever I have expected to get him a blue or black something he picks orange. He loves color, every color, all the colors at once.  Drawing is a passion for him. He is artistic and imaginative. My Blayze.

My Blayze likes movies, hikes, swings at the park. He gets delirious when he’s tired and very very silly. My Blayze loves movie theater popcorn and I would venture to say that is his favorite food these days. Blayze will laugh when he needs to even if its forced. Blayze has a way of entertaining the people around himself and his sarcasm will keep them laughing all day long. He is funny.

My Blayze loves anything that could be called family time. We have always gotten compliments on how well we work together. People never even know that we are not Mom and son. My Blayze doesn’t always like the rules but he is respectful. He has a way of remembering discipline months later. Just ask him if he is allowed to shop for us by putting things in the cart on his own :).

My Blayze is sensitive and often his feelings could even be hurt in wrestling match if he got physically hurt. He wants to be loved by everyone and he wants them to be pleased with himself. Blayze has given his snacks and his money to people who are in need. He is handsome and strong. He is hard working and adventursome. Hense the time he was walking on the little pond and found a frog under the ice. To get to the frog he stabbed a hole in the ice. Needless to say Blayze went right through the ice. He was off in the woods and all I could hear was crying. Woohoo! whoohooo! I was saying over and over till I finally found him. I shed the my coat and made him put it on. After we talked and he decided that he knew he shouldn't be on ice and that he wouldn't do it again his mood changed..... he thought that was the coolest experience he had ever had in his whole life!!! Thats my Blayze turning rough spots into adventures. 

My Blayze reminded his dad to pray when another tire was flat. He doesn't like change until after he's in it. He still misses the old way tho. He doesn't like the suspense of surprises or new things that he doesn't understand. But he sucks it up and tuffs it out and in the end its never as bad as he thought it would be. :)  My Blayze wrestled with his cousin Noah and no one ever got hurt but every one had fun. Blayze is intelligent. He has great balance!!! At four he was riding a scooter. Blayze is a thinker over and over again in his brain. Blayze has a desire to protect, and defend. He wants to teach others about Jesus. Blayze comprehends! Blayze Blayze Blayze!!! What a smile, what child, what a blessing he is.

There is more but its later than it was before I started 2:24am and I am very tired. This is my Blayze! This is who you are Blayze. This is only the beginning of what you will become. God is going to use you to change this world for His Glory!