How to start.... What a month this has been with our oldest son still not coming home since Aug., loosing my mom then discovering the morning of her funeral that we were pregnant, to yesterday when we miscarried our wonderful baby at just 6 weeks.
Still don't know how to write all of this.
In November Ricky and I prepared to begin the journey of adding another precious child to our family and being as efficient as we are, just a month later we discovered that we were pregnant. We are no good at keeping these types of things secret but Ricky wanted to wait until Christmas to let our little ones know. This pregnancy felt different and neither Ricky or I felt at peace about the situation. I tried to take it easy and take breaks from normal tasks but I started having visible troubles almost a week before Christmas. As it got closer to Christmas I struggled with whether or not to share our new baby with the "little ones". I wondered if we shouldn't wait until after drs apts and comfort that our baby was doing alright. Lots of wondering but then I was reminded that God doesn't let us be tempted beyond what we can bare. In every trial He will provide a way for us to trust in Him and do whats right. I believe that He will do the same for my "little ones" This moment in life will either turn out to bring a special baby into our home or it will be a more difficult trial that will bring us closer to each other and closer to our Lord if we choose it.
For Christmas the children unwrapped the bow around my belly and we told them about the new baby. Chrysanna double checked to be sure I was serious. "Really momma! There is really a baby in your belly?" We have been talking about a baby for so long that she couldn't believe it was finally true. Later she said "Since we have a baby on the way we need to start buying baby things." Then I overheard her talking with her Uncle David and she was talking about how she was going to be a great! big sister :) My heart broke and felt joy all at once. I still wondered if my children could handle another heart break but hoped they wouldn't have to.
Monday morning I went for blood tests and Monday afternoon I miscarried. Probably the worst experience of my life and unmistakably a miscarriage. Ricky and I cried and prayed together.We decided on a non-gender specific name Peace Lynn. Then at dinner Monday night we told them our baby was now being held by Grandma.
They are handling it well. Dominic's only concern for his Grandma as been who is with her in heaven. He is so glad that Peace Lynn is with Grandma. "and Jesus and God is in Heaven with Grandma!!" as he would say over and over again. :)
Chrysanna even had a dream last night that our whole family was in Heaven, there were lots!!! of angels and she got to see Grandma and Peace Lynn. She says that Peace Lynn is a girl (I suspected that already). I wish I could dream like her and feel like I really held my baby and hugged my mom. She said she even saw Blayze.
I don't want to speak on behalf of Ricky so you are welcome to ask him how he is doing. He is however being a wonderful husband, encouraging and supportive to how I am doing. I am so thankful for him.
I think that God has been preparing me for this for a while. Over the couple of years I feel like God and I have had many conversations about babies, why they come, why certain people get them and certain people don't, and why they go, when and how they do. I have heard about other miscarriages and other babies with disorders that keep them from growing up with their families. All of their experiences have played into my understanding that God gives babies and He allows them to leave. We may never fully know why but I remember being very conscious of that truth when Ricky and I made this choice to add to our family. I have no doubt that our baby is happy and well.
Peace Lynn we love you and we wish we could have held you in our arms but for now if you could give Grandma a hug for us and as she hugs you back it will be like a hug from us to you.
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